BRADLEY: What a long strange trip it’s been
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Oh, what long strange trip it has been. Flashback May 2005. For months had a “cut” on my left ear. My many “Moms” had been saying get it looked at. Had a legitimate reason not to have it looked at. I am male, stubborn and stupid. Despite being a public figure, I am private by nature.
No family, friends or co-workers knew the extent of the problem or that surgery was required. In February 2005 a biopsy revealed skin cancer in the upper left ear. In May, naively drove alone to Sarnia General Hospital for the operation. Then a nurse asked “How are you getting home?” As she shot down every option from driving, by taxi, walking or crawling, the reality hit home.
Reluctantly called the office for help. “Deputy Mayor” Janis and those who became “Michael’s Angels” that day were not amused about being kept in the dark. Weakly tried to defend not sharing by reminding them of what happened to Uncle Festus when he sought medical help. He went to see Dr. Nick with his ever-cheerful “Hi Everybody”. Dr. Nick examined Uncle Festus. He then took aside Uncle Festus’s wife, Gertrude, privately and said, “There are three things you can do to make Festus better”. 1) Never argue with him. 2) Make sure he has three big meals a day and all the beer he wants. 3) Make love to him every night. Gertrude agreed. On the way home in the car Festus asked, “What did Dr. Nick say?” Gertrude replied, “Sorry Festus, but it doesn’t look like you are going to make it.”
This was the first operation in my life beyond being born. That didn’t go well. Was an ugly baby. The doctor not only slapped me as a baby twice, but my Mom also and called my Dad into the Maternity Ward to slap him too.
By mid-afternoon had the first of what would become numerous operations on my left ear to remove skin cancer. Last memory before the anesthetic kicked in were the doctors kidding me about how their property taxes had gone up. Recall last words before going under saying to them, “It’s not me, its Market Value Assessment. It’s Market Value snzzzz.”
The next day “Deputy Mayor” Janis called to cheer me up. She said council had been notified and passed a motion wishing you a quick recovery. She paused and then said, “It passed 6-2.”
In the weeks after looked like was auditioning for the Mummy movie lead. Decided to let others know about the operation and skin cancer. Normally would not disclose so much personal health information, however, have learned the best way to diminish rumours is to start your own. The payback was immediate with CBC doing a story across the province about skin cancer prevention based on my experience. Heard from many people saying thanks, you gave us a wakeup call.
Skin cancer is a disease that one in seven Canadians will experience. That is better odds than a Liberal being elected in Alberta. Public support and sharing of their own stories brought a giant community hug, great comfort and hats. The common theme from others was you need to wear a hat and a Tilley one at that. With a Tilley hat you can fall off a cliff and drown, reassured your hat will still have its shape. Have had a lifelong aversion of wearing a hat but accepted the reality, to a degree. Go back to sentence six – “male, stubborn and stupid.”
“Operation Head Gear’ was organized by Michael’s Angels. So dedicated they even went on an overnight trip to London to search for “dorky hats” for me. Rented a hotel room, drank wine, ate, drank wine and shopped. They also managed to find several Tilley hats.
Citizens starting dropping off “dorky hats to the office. Wasn’t sure if they were trying to help me or unload their “dorky hats” because recycling centres won’t take them. Have multiple “dorky hats to choose from including James Bond, Harrison Ford and Tom Cruise styles. For boating a Gilligan hat and for special occasions, a wine hat with two cans attached with straws to drink hands-free.
Trying on the different hats at the office asked “Deputy Mayor” Janis “Do I look like a dork?” Her response “A dork with or without a hat is still a dork?”
While recovering Uncle Festus came by to see all the new hats. He told his hat story about when he got a new one. He lost it. Spent days looking for it. He went to church one Sunday and sat at the back. His plan was to steal a hat. He listened to the minister’s sermon about the Ten Commandments. Then decided not to steal a hat. After the service, he went up to the minister and said, “Reverend, I came here to steal a hat. After hearing your sermon, I changed my mind.” The minister was overcome. He said, “Festus, bless you. Was it when I preached about “Thou shall not steal, that changed your mind? “No”, Uncle Festus said. “It’s when you talked about adultery, then I remembered where I left my hat.”
With the hats came a new Motto…SLIP, SLOP AND SLAP. SLIP on a shirt with a collar and long sleeves. SLOP on sunscreen with at least SPF 15, more is better. SLAP on a broad brimmed SPF 50+ hat. That regime have followed for the last 17 years (most of the time.) The hat has been a bigger challenge. Full Disclosure: Have gotten better. During Canada Day parades, people would yell out “Where is your hat?” Response “Right here.” Which was true as I was carrying it in my left hand.
The next big challenge was telling the doctor in London I had a convertible. His response was “That’s fine. Just take good care of yourself and remember the sun is also good for you.”
Fair skinned of Irish parents growing up in Australia where your only sunscreen at the time was your sweat was a factor in today’s issues. Plus, youthful and middle-aged tanning. Asked Uncle Clary in Belfast, if he used sunscreen in Ireland. Response: In Ireland, sunscreen is called a pub.
Over the years, the ear has come to look like Rocky’s sparring partner. The big challenge for the doctors is the ear is tricky to operate on to get to the cancer. They think they have it and it returns like Jason in the Friday the 13th movies.
Blame myself this time when signs started occurring last year in not getting it checked out. The excuse was the hospitals did not want non-emergency cases coming in during COVID-19. Again, refer back to sentence six in this column; I am male, stubborn and stupid.
So on April 20 in London had another ear operation. Wanted to do it by Zoom but hospital said no for some reason. Dr. Corey Moore, who is an incredibly gifted doctor with a great personal bedside manner, again was the surgeon. The operation was three hours, two hours shorter than the council meeting the day before. Still debating which was more painful.
The right ear, always jealous about all the attention the left ear got, was in on the action “donating” to rebuild the left ear. And the chest joined the action with skin grafts for both. A team effort.
Recovering from the operation had to keep head up all day and at night lie flat on the bed, on my back, staring at the ceiling. Felt like was in a prison movie lying awake in Cell 705, glancing from side to side to make sure no one stole my canteen money. Staring at the ceiling endlessly, day and night, made me think a great deal about the meaning of life. About many things – personally and professionally. About great loves and loves lost, moments of triumph, and moments of despair. In the end, the greatest thing I discovered was the need to paint the ceiling.
On Friday April 30, in London the bandages and stitches were removed. Went by myself and was devastated on the drive home. Had lost the top part of the ear and it was pushed back. Missed the old ear. Kept looking in the car mirror and was very depressed to the point I turned off the music in “Air Mustang”. A first.
Came home and self-isolated for three days until coming into City Hall to run a Zoom council meeting. Slowly have recovered, mentally and physically, and learning to do a comb over of the ear. Was tough to wear a mask but found a solution using a rubber clip. Worked better than when I tried Krazy Glue.
Meeting with Dr. Moore soon to talk about re-construction of the ear. My cynical friend, who wishes to remain Anonymous (Julie), gave her usual unsolicited advice. “You know you are fortunate to be getting a new ear at your age (zing). Be positive. You could get a Tom Cruise or Bradley Cooper ear. Or you could go big or go home and get an Obama or Prince Charles ear.”
The message of this column is take care of yourself and SLIP, SLOP and SLAP. And if you need to borrow a dorky hat just ask.
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Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/mayorofsarnia/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/mayorofsarnia If you have any ideas or comments please call me at 519-332-0330 Ext. 3312 or 519-336-8092 or email mayor@sarnia.ca
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