The secret to unplugging properly so you can take a real break
First Hand: There are multiple ways to unplug, but only one way to not unplug, which is going into it with no plan at all
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Another March break is in the books, and whether you spent last week relaxing on a beach (doubtful) or working from home and frantically juggling your job with your kids (more likely), that time was really supposed to be about stopping for a second, being present and getting a little more grounded. If you did it right, you might even have banked some good mental energy to take back to work. If not, here’s some help. First Hand asked Brad Stulberg, author of The Practice of Groundedness, how to unplug properly.
FP Work: I worked overtime last week to take this week off, but my kid got sick, my plans are ruined and I’m working anyhow. Why aren’t I on a beach? What am I doing wrong?
Brad Stulberg: First off, rethink the notion of yourself on the beach. You see yourself lying on the beach, but you’re not thinking about packing, going to the airport, researching the hotel. There’s an expectation versus reality problem.
FP Work: I actually flagged that part in your book: “Happiness is a function of reality minus expectations.”
ST: Exactly, and I’m sure it’s the same thing that’s happening at home with your kid. There’s a notion of two arrows: The first is some kind of situation that’s not in your control. In this case, your kid’s sick and your plans have to change. The second arrow is all the judgement, guilt, shame, disappointment, or wanting that come as a result. That arrow tends to hurt a whole lot more than the first one, but you can just eliminate it by letting go of expectations.
FP Work: I also wrote down: “Forget about productivity and think about productive activity.”
ST: That’s a really good thing to keep in mind this week. Take a look at your to-do list this week and look at what really needs to be done versus what is just a hit of feel-good dopamine of getting something done. That’s the first level of unplugging. The second level is to differentiate productivity in the short and the long-term. If you want to be as productive as possible in the short term, you should stay awake for 24 hours popping caffeine pills. If you want long-term productivity, you should get 8 hours of sleep. The actions of short and long-term productivity are literally opposite here.
FP Work: Are you telling me I have to choose?
ST: Sometimes, yes. Ask yourself and be clear about your goal. Is it to get as much done as possible in the day? That’s fine if it is, if that’s the plan and you’re honest with yourself. But if your plan was to unplug, and you’re still working, then you’re doing something wrong. Your goals and actions aren’t aligned, so you feel guilty and judgmental with yourself.
FP Work: OK, tough love. How do I really unplug? And why isn’t it as easy as it sounds?
ST: There are two real steps to unplugging. The first is behaviourally based, and it’s actually pretty simple. Don’t look at your emails, turn off your phone, etc. That’s the one-click thing that makes it sound easy. They don’t tell you that you should expect to feel worse before you feel better. A lot of us have relationships to our phones and emails that are very similar to addiction. If you don’t check, you feel anxious, restless, nervous. You get the urge to reach for your phone, you feel guilty. It’s tempting.
FP Work: You could just as easily be talking about a pack of smokes right now.
ST: It’s 100 per cent the same. If you were quitting smoking, you’d prepare your brain to be grumpy, agitated and short-tempered. And this is where the second part comes in, the psychological unplugging. That’s the real challenge, and it helps to acknowledge that it’s challenging. If you catch yourself thinking about work, stop and tell yourself, “You’re thinking about work, that’s OK. There I am feeling anxious. Feel the feeling, let it go.”
FP Work: This all sounds a lot like mindfulness… What’s the difference between that and groundedness?
ST: For me, mindfulness is very much about being, while groundedness is being and doing. Mindfulness is an internal game, whereas groundedness is taking that internal game and applying it to your external life. Of course your being affects your doing and your doing affects your being.
FP Work: Productive mindfulness! I’m into it.
ST: There’s this all-or-nothing misconception where you’re either sitting there doing nothing or doing everything. You can meditate perfectly for 45 minutes every day but if you spend the rest of the day freaking out, it doesn’t matter. “Unplugging” doesn’t have to mean going totally cold turkey. It can just be boundaries. Maybe you check your email for half an hour in the morning and half an hour at night and then shut it down. There are multiple ways to unplug, but only one way to not unplug, which is going into it with no plan at all. That’s when you’re on “break” but not really on break at all.
FP Work: Your book’s very clear that there are no shortcuts to groundedness, but for someone who’s after a hack, what should we do?
ST: Groundedness is a practice and, really, you need to work on it a little bit every day. But if I had to give you one tip to unplug this week, I’d say move your body, ideally outside, every day. Leave your phone at home if you can. Nobody has ever come home from a brisk walk feeling worse than before.
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