Happy Healthy YOU
Article content
Kelly Spencer - Happy Healthy YOU
(A wellness column by Kelly Spencer: writer, life coach, yoga & meditation teacher, holistic healer and a mindful life enthusiast!)
The pattern of obsessive self-critical thinking and the judgmental trap of contemplating ourselves as a failure or something is wrong with us, if everything doesn’t flow perfectly or if we don’t look or act without flaw, is a self-destructive motif.
In this incredibly competitive society of ours, how many of us truly feel good about ourselves and live with complete satisfaction with how we are living. Do we believe what we are doing with our life, is good enough?
Self-judgment is how you view yourself mostly in a critical way. When you self-judge, you are involving an analysis of your merits and faults. But our common tendency is to express adverse opinion or draw erroneous conclusion.
In a 2015 survey of 2,000 women, one in seven participants admitted to criticizing or berating themselves regularly each day.
An estimated 46 per cent of these women even admitted to putting themselves down at least once in the morning before 9:30 a.m. Most of their self-criticisms deal with weight issues, physical attributes, career path, money and relationships.
The survey revealed a staggering 89 percent reporting preference to complimenting other women over themselves. The survey also found 58 per cent had positive thoughts about themselves only once a day. Of the respondents, 60 per cent admitted to having days in which they criticize themselves repetitively all day long.
But self-judgement and self-critical thinking isn’t just for women. The quest of living up to manhood is very prevalent and isn’t just about cars and sports.
“In the same token that women have insecurities surrounding certain areas of prescribed femininity, so do men fear that they will fall short of prescribed masculinity. At the core of it is the deep-seated need to be competent and successful, coupled by the conscious conviction that society is always watching and judging their performance,” stated author Rachel Wambui.
The words of judgement we say internally to ourselves would be received with a gasp if we were to say out loud to others or those we love. So why do we allow ourselves to continue self-defeating self-dialogue? You have to wonder where our internalized message of “I’m not good enough,” comes from? And perhaps more importantly, what can we do about it?
In a childhood plagued with abuse, addiction or dysfunction it seems a little more understandable where the messages and belief systems were founded. However, I have met many people over the years that have had seemingly blessed lives and homes that they grew up in and still feel this way.
As children we are the centre of the universe. Often everything we experience, observe and hear, we believe that somehow and some way it has something to do with us. Example: A parent with a tough day at work, comes home and projects their day’s frustration in the presence of a child, often leading the child to believe the parent is mad at them or doesn’t like them in that moment. The child doesn’t have the intellectual experience or capacity to understand that they didn’t cause the frustrated or displeased behavior coming from another. Heck, most adults wouldn’t be able to differentiate this kind of projection and not take it personally.
So many children think their parents play favorites or feel as though they are being compared to other siblings or kids their age. I have heard this from siblings several times before, each believing that they are often being measured up against the other child. And while sometimes parent do play favorites, other times this is just the individuals own conclusions based on where they feel they are not good enough.
Here is a simple, quick list of personal inventory we can acknowledge within ourselves, when we are having moments of self-judgment and lack self-compassion.
Belief systems: Clearing old belief systems can be a tricky task. Ego tells us we are just fine or this is just the way we are. Some outdated belief systems that do not serve our lives in a positive way have been hanging out in our subconscious since childhood. We might not even be aware of them. A certified life coach, social worker or therapist can assist you to understand and emotionally free yourself from old negative message patterns.
Practice makes progress: It’s not about being perfect. No one is perfect. The key focus is progress. Taking one step in the direction of what feels good to the body, mind and heart. And sometimes we fall
off track, so then we practice coming back to our centre and take another one step in the direction of our goals.
Awareness: Find some way to track for a 24 hours period, each time you catch yourself having a judgemental thought about yourself or others. I suggest the “others” part because often those that are highly critical of others are projecting their own self-judgment. Remember this is to bring more awareness of what is and not to judge yourself for be judgemental!
Don’t feed the fears: We can overcome our fears. We often resist to avoid fear of failure. We are stronger than we think we are. The thing is, though, sometimes we have to fall to then pick ourselves back up and try again. As I often say to students at yoga, when you fall out of a balance pose, it gives you opportunity to find yourself and align back to your centre and try again. The more we practice this, the easier it becomes.
Acceptance: We are in this together. The people you compare yourself to, compare themselves to other people too. The folks you think have it made and never have self-doubt or insecurity, they do. One thing I’ve learned about making changes and reaching for the next rung on the ladder is that you cannot fully feel satisfied with where you’re going until you can accept, acknowledge, and appreciate where you are right now. And that appreciation has nothing to do with keeping up with the Jones’ or with anyone else but you. We are in this together, and we each need to take care of ourselves with self-compassion.
Life is Good: Jon Kabat-Zinn: “Until you stop breathing, there’s more right with you than wrong with you.” Celebrate what is good. Start a gratitude journal for all that is good in life and all that is good with you. The more we focus on practicing and finding success, the more we focus on the good. Spend time with good thoughts, good people, good activities that make you feel just that, good. Remember, what we focus on, expands. When we are able to bring more acceptance and awareness of what is, as is and examine outdate or self-defeating belief systems as well as practice self-compassion (and it indeed takes time and practice) we can focus on what wonderful and unique contributors to our community we are.
“What if I fall? Oh, my darling, what if you fly?” - Erin Hanson.
(If you’re interested in learning more about this topic, there will be powerful workshop to assist individuals to dive deeper into self-compassion. http://indigolounge.ca/event/self-compassion-diet/)